Archive: Sistah Raccoon

The following are writings by Sistah Raccoon who claims to hail from Matawan, NJ. I have no idea who Sistah Raccoon really is, but her writings on Topix (original link) under the title "Which a you did this to Rod Dreher!!!" were so raucously hilarious that someone just had to get offended and have them taken down.

I have preserved what I can here, and have ignored my screaming spell-checker which also seems to be offended. Oh, well. Robots: no sense of humor.

Dec. 9, 2014


Oh Lord a mercy save me Jesus I be shaking an now Baby Raccoon be cryin an I don't know what to do about you folks down in you deep dark woods. I jus read this where Lil Ray say

"When I think about the bullying I endured in high school, the most indelible image on my mind is being pinned to the floor and tortured in a hotel room on a school trip, and the two adult women chaperones in the room literally stepping over me, lying there screaming for them to help me, as they left the hotel room."

You don't believe me, you can read here where he say it himself on that Belief Nets he use to be on:


What in a name a sweet Baby Jesus did you peoples do to Lil Ray? You rape him? You stick him in the hiney with you pig sticks? Put one jumper cable on he willy an one on he toe? You set him on fire?

An which a you witches STEP OVER HIM WHILE HE BE TORTURED? They still let you aroun childrens there now? Not my childrens. You stay a way from my childens. Witches.

You worsen them spooks in Washington. At leas they don't torture CHILDREN. In HIGH SCHOOL. While they CHAPERONES STEP OVER THEM.

I be reading a lot here about how you West Feliciana High School be SO good. Is at cause you TORTURE THE CHILDRENS who ain't?

No wonder nobody want a move to you deep dark woods. They prefer they kids WHOLE. UNTORTURED.

So fess up. Which a you did that thing to Lil Ray on the floor way back then? TORTURE him. Which a you womens step over him like he one a you pigs while they doing that to he hiney or whatever? Fess up now case the Lord take you in you sleep. You better.

It's okay Baby Raccoon. It's okay. Mama's okay. You go to sleep now.

Dec. 10, 2014

You make fun a how I talk all you want.

Which a you torture Lil Ray like he say? Which a you oh-so-good West Feliciana High School teachers step over him an laugh while he be tortured? What a they do to you childrens on field trips right now while you ain't looking?

Torture childrens. Witches.

Dec. 10, 2014


I been hearing on the radio all about them spooks torturing an I jus figure out what Lil Ray too shame to say when he say you torture him way back when.



Hold Lil Ray down on the floor like that an SHOVE ERSTERS UP HE HINEY???


No wonder he so fix on ersters an so funny bout womens. How could you!?! HOW COULD YOU???

Hold him down an stuff him with ersters like a ducken. An then you womens STEP OVER HIM AN LAUGH as them ersters come squirtin back out like bees fom a hive...zing! peeownnggg!!!

No wonder you don't wanna hear the truth Mistah Paul 2. You can't handle the truth.

Torture Lil Ray. Witches! Monsters! 

Dec. 11, 2014

Pauli wrote:
I should say that it seems like Sister Raccoon is arguing that people shoved oysters (?) into Rod Dreher's rectum when he was in high school. I don't think has suggested that on my blog. The exact nature of the "torture" which took place is never clarified.
Well what ELSE could it be?

When poor Lil Ray say he TORTURE, he don't mean, oh, Lil Jimmy give me a noogie an mess my hairs all up. Oh, boo hoo, look what Lil Bobby do, he thow a spitball in my eye.

No, Lil Ray know what he be talking bout and he talking about EVILS, like them spooks do to them folks, drownding them and shovin ersters up they hiney.

Don't tell me you peoples tried a DROWND Lil Ray too!!!

Pig-eating monsters, creepin aroun in you deep dark woods an TORTURING CHILDRENS!!!

Witches! EVIL!!!

It's okay Baby Raccoon. Never baby.

Dec. 15, 2014

Oh my word now. An if it wernt bad enough that you folks TORTURE Lil Ray when he a CHILD an leave him so depress he think he whole famly hate him, now he be reduce to begging for he job moneys. At Chrismas.

I ain't got enough money be sending it so Lil Ray can get he job moneys torture depress erster fix. Money don't grow on trees you know. But I'm a still send him somethin so he at leas have a Chrismas, poor Lil Ray child. Let's see. Okay here's what I'm a send him.

Some corn. I got some corn still left fom the bottom a the crib. Bout a little pouch full. I send that. He like that. Keep him reglur. Soun like he be needin somepin anyway.

A sock. Not them socks I already promise Mistah Man for his Chrismas gift. Another sock. A lonesome one. Need a good home anyway.

A copy a the National Geographic. Baby Raccoon chew on it a little bit but it be bright yellow an I bet it cheer Lil Ray right up. An it got pitchers. Not them weird pitchers Lil Ray like to look at on he computer. Good pitchers.

Some extra hair that fell out. Lil Ray can fill in where he missin. Nobody know the difference.

A button I find down the shore. A real pretty pearly button. Was gonna give it to Baby Raccoon but I fraid she swallow it. Lil Ray can wear it on he coat to church.

See Baby Raccoon? That's what you do when peoples beg for money at Chrismas. You try to hep em out, best you can.

Now. What a YOU peoples down in you deep dark woods be sending Lil Ray for his Chrismas money begging gift?

Dec. 18, 2014

My, my. Now Lil Ray be smacking aroun all kinda college kid he don't like calling em "special snowflakes" because they upset about this or that in they young life.

You think a boy like Lil Ray who be TORTURE as a child an still telling ever body about it to this very day be more understanding about younguns ain't that right Baby Raccoon.

But maybe Lil Ray he catch that Stocking Syndrome when he be torture an he torturerers put them stocking on they head so he can't say who they be so now he be identify with them torturerers himself. Thats how that works you know.

Ain't no end to that domino snake a cruelty an revenge when you TORTURE CHILDRENS peoples.

Never you Baby. Stop that now. 

Dec. 19, 2014

Looka here Baby Raccoon. Lil Hannah graduate from L S & U. All growed up now.

Good thing Lil Ray put in a plug for he Ruthie book too. I plumb forgot all about it. I bet Lil Ray put a quote from he Ruthie Book in ever Chrismas card he send out this year too. Make ever thing more special that way, add a Ruthie book quote to it. Any day now that Ruthie book be gone for good an all ats left be that Chrismas card quote. Hand that down to you grand childrens.

Lil Hannah be an important part a Lil Ray life Baby Raccoon. She the one tol him he famly hate him, so he say.

Hope Lil Hannah don't have to leave town an change her name after Lil Ray finger her like that, but that what he say. Leave the nest he say. Prolly all for the best. Good luck Lil Hannah. Fly away.

One day you be all growed up too Baby Raccoon. Make me cry jus to think of it.

Dec. 20, 2014

Whats so sweet be how Lil Ray take Lil Hannah under he wing cause she be jus like him an not like that poor old dead Ruthie or poor old Mistah Mike. Practly make her he own an adopt her like she be he very own child instead. He say

"She earned a BA in Mass Communications. She and I graduated from the same Journalism School "

"Hannah posted on her Facebook page this very short clip of Ruthie that I took at Hannah’s high school graduation in 2011. At this point, Ruthie had about 14 weeks left to live"

Kinda creepy though how Lil Ray always be talkin bout poor old not like him Ruthie be dead or dying with young Lil Hannah who be jus like him. Almos like Lil Hannah be the right lil sister he wisht he had instead.

Baby Raccoon be the only one I ever want ain't that right Baby. Thats right child. 

Dec. 23, 2014

My, oh, my Baby Raccoon, Chrismas done come early this year. Jus look at all these elves an what they be bringin:

Lil Ray priest be blessing the Mississippi River. The Mississippi River! Now ever body know about the blessing a the srimps fleet. They jus like a parish full a folks excep they be floatin. But the Mississippi River be made by God if an I ain't mistaken. Why it need blessing? God dint get it right first time around? God need a lil touch up hep in He blessing department? Wisht Mistah Priest jus bless my sock so it don't get a hole in it. Leave the big ticket stuff like rivers an stars to the guy what made em.

"my pilgrimage out of sickness and depression"...well, of course, poor Lil Ray and he erster hiney TORTURE. Speck no less.

"Editing this book revealed to me how much lingering anger I had over all the events leading to my sickness."

Still lingerin, look like.

"Well, they were wrong and I was wrong, and it took coming home and being confronted by some harsh realities — e.g., that my sainted sister had privately raised her children to dislike and distrust me, in part because I had moved away, and that the family reunion I expected was never going to happen — for me to deal with something within myself that I had never grasped, much less understood."

STILL lingerin, look like.

He priest "never denied that I had been wronged in serious ways,"

Well, Mistah Priest would know. He grow up there with Big Ray an Lil Ray an Lil Ruthie in them deep dark woods, right? Course he know who right an who wrong.

"Dealing with all this is not something you do in one or two sessions."

Don't look like it. Look like it take post after post after book after post to get it all out good. Good an hard.

Well I know what I be gettin folks for Chrismas next year, Lil Ray bran NEW book about how Big Ray an Lil Ruthie an all the TORTURE folks in the deep dark woods drive him into sickness an depression.

Them good stories they jus never get old do they. Like that story bout the possum an the gum tree. Improve with ever telling. Ain't that right Baby Raccoon. Thats right Baby.

Dec. 24, 2014

An a Merry Chrismas to you an you mushrat too Mistah Country Lad. Baby Raccoon, she jus say squeek. But she mean it.

You know, look like Lil Ray be gettin a whole bunch a push back from peoples bout how he say he the hardest praying Ray in show bidness. Say how we know Lil Ray be workt and pray so hard by Mistah Priest. Might be that hard. Might not be. Might not be hard enough. Ever body diffrent.

Lil Ray seem to think the peoples who say such things might a caught a MTD from not believin the right religion and not praying as hard as he be praying. An worst, once you catch one a them MTD's you can spread it to ever body else you know. Pretty bad stuff all around.

But you know, I blieve Lil Ray be telling the truth because he TORTURE story be the same no matter when he tell it, when he be jus a little baby CHILD or jus 4 years ago after he all growed up with childrens of he own. Still sayin he be TORTURED.

So when Lil Ray say what Mistah Priest say he know bout Big Ray an Lil Ruthie, I blieve Lil Ray. When Lil Ray say he be the hardest prayin Ray in show bidness an all the rest mighta caught the MTD's cause they ain't, I blieve Lil Ray. Cause he consistent.

Do wisht Santy Clause be bringin Lil Ray a get out a prayin card for jus one night tho. Jus one night. I blieve Lil Ray prolly safe fom catchin the MTD's for jus one night. Quit you worrying about prayin an catchin them MTD's Lil Ray. Kiss you babies an missus instead. Go back to bein the hardest praying Ray in show bidness tomorrow. More an likely you still be clean.

Ain't in there Baby Raccoon. Get down. Ain't up there neither. Never guess Baby. Not ina million years. 

Jan. 6, 2015

You see how these peoples do Baby Raccoon? They fuss an they frets about this an that an the answer be right under they nose the whole time.

How we gonna have 10 good places to eat they fret? Why can't we have a Walmart like ever body else they fuss? Good jobs. Roof tops. Answer right under they nose Baby Raccoon.

Lil Ray Dante Sav Mono Healing Center & Gif Shop.

Right in a middle a town. Peoples come from all aroun from far an wide be having Lil Ray heal em right up.

Lil Ray say he say

"Sorry for light posting today, folks. Had some unpleasantness over the holidays, and am undergoing a return bout of mono, for the first time in a year. I’m applying a strong dose of Dante to the stuff, and hope it will be brief."

So Lil Ray got him a jar a cream or sav or somepin like a pom aid he just whip out an apply to that mono when it be acting up an BAM!, heal it right up. Wrote a whole book about it he say.

Bet it heal up all kind a other flictions too. Gas. Hairball. Limp whatever. Heal em right up.

Right in a middle a town Baby Raccoon. Like cows, move em on in one side, move em on out the other, take they moneys, heal em right up. Maybe have to rub Lil Ray crazy hair for them extra hard healing cases but I bet he don't mind. Sit right there, dab em with he sav, let em rub he head, heal em right up. Take they moneys, split it with the town.

Peoples always pay good money for healin an healin books Baby Raccoon. Plenty a good jobs an rooftops just a waitin.

Right under they nose Baby.

Jan 11, 2015

Now this be another reason them peoples in Lil Rayville oughta be building them a Lil Ray Dante Sav Healing Center smack in the middle a they town, Baby Raccoon. Cause Lil Ray he be the Martha Stewart a religion if they ever was one. Bet he even decocrate they Healing Center all by hisself and for free. Lil Ray say he say:

"Solidarité Avec Paris et la France

I just said the morning prayers in French, with the above icon of St. Geneviève, the patron saint of Paris. I was praying for, and asking her prayers for, the peace of Paris and of all France. If you pray, please pray for this too, on this day of solidarity."

See, Baby Raccoon, when somepin bad happen somewhere like it did in France, Lil Ray can decorate up he prayer to fit just right. Better than any other peoples prayer. Even pick the right prayer wine to go with the occasion I bet. And none a that Breaux Bridge andouille Cajun French neither, no ma'am. Only the bes Parisian French will do.

French praying. French pitcher postcard. French wine. Thas what you want in you Healing Center Decorator, Baby Raccoon, a Lil Ray who know how to throw a proper prayin dinner party. Put you on a map.

She a lady who make things. Ain't gonna tell you what happen over there. It was bad an you too young.

Jan. 12, 2015

Well now. Lil Ray now say he "mono" be acting up again. Mono be short for "monocotoleon" you know, mean you get it fom sniffin they wrong kind a flowers fom what I can tell. Or maybe Leon.

Lil Ray say he say

"I’m sick again, with mono, for the first time in a year. What triggered it was some family conflict — the thing that started it in the first place — "

What in creation be WRONG with you peoples down in you deep dark woods with all you famly "conflicts", now TORTURE Lil Ray again with SLEEP DEPRIVATION. As if that erster hiney stuffin weren't enough way back when.

Only way he can break free an sleep now be writing 95,000 words all about it. That's a lot a word writin about famly conflicts down in the deep dark woods a Lil Rayville if an you ask me.

Why can't you folks jus be NICE to Lil Ray instead? Quit TORTURE him. No more erster hiney stuffin. No more sleep deprivation. No more givin him the monocotoleons an makin him lay about the house all day like Mistah Raccon brothah Earl.

Jus be nice to Lil Ray. Build him a Lil Ray Dante Sav Healing Center right there in a middle a town. Let him decorate it an pick out the wines. Let the tourist rub he crazy hair for luck an extra blessing. Make some good money all aroun instead a taxing youselves to death.

Ain't that right Baby Raccoon. Thats right. Even Baby Raccoon make she own money, picking up things. Thats right Baby. No taxing my Baby Raccoon. 

Jan. 14, 2015

countrylad wrote:
Looks like Allen Kurzweil may have beaten Rod Dreher to the punch with this book. I couldn't help but think of Sistah Racoon's commentary when I read this article.

May be all them peoples living in Lil Ray head rent free be pushing he hair up crazy like it be. Like a gofer fixin a bus out.

But there aint be no end a Lil Ray revenge on Lil Rayville if an you ask me. No matter how sweet he seem. Lil Rayville always be what cause all he ailmens an problems. Be what Lil Rayville be known for far an wide. Town that made Lil Ray sick. Best a jus buy him off wif he Lil Ray Dante Sav Healing Center. Tell him Lil Ray jus shut up and pick out the wines. Let them touris rub you head. Take you cut an shut up.

That be what govener fatty do aint that right Baby Raccoon. Thats right Baby.

Jan. 16, 2015

Now I know why Lil Ray be writing he 95,000 word book about how all you conflicted peoples made him sick an left him in the deep dark woods, because

"you have to push back as hard against the world as the world pushes against you."

Thats what he be doin, pushin back against you peoples what TORTURE him.

But thats also prolly why he choose Lil Rayville for he Benedict Option Dante Sav Healing Retreat in a firstplace, cause he figure Lil Rayville never change, always be a sleepy lil place run like it always be where all that bad outside stuff never get in. Prolly why he support fatty goatee man to keep it that way. Look like fatty goatee man doin a good job for Lil Ray.

That why you peoples oughta just stop swimmin up stream against the tide a snoozin an give in. Stop trying to make Lil Rayville into somepin its not, full a bidness an jobs an nekkid peoples doin bad things to theyselves.

Make it over instead into Lil Benedict Option Dante Sav Healing Center Rayville, where all a you can rent out nice little 10 by 10 foot squares a you Daddys land to peoples to pitch they tent on an pray while you sit in you house an write books bout how conflicted you all be. An sleep in a afternoon like Lil Ray. Maybe hold a Sleep-Off contest in the Dante Sav Healing Center.

Nice quiet lil place Baby Raccoon. Full a good people in tents prayin an sleepin an working out they conflicts. No you cant enter Baby Raccoon. Wooden be fair. 

Jan. 16, 2015

Hush now Baby Raccoon. You go run along an play wif you button. You too young to be seeing this.

Now why be Lil Ray puttin up a pitcher of a big red VAGINA on he site?

Oh I get it now. Be some big fat human lips turn on they side so they jump out like a swoll up coochy-coo. Lotta talk about Vagina Monocles an other stuff I dont unnerstan. Course I aint English.

Seem to me though if Lil Ray be runnin so hard to get away fom all that naughty bad coochy coo stuff wif he Dante Sav Benedict Option he might get further if an he dint put it up hissef on he own sight. Mus be a reason he do.

Like they say cant make a omlet wifout breakin eggs. Cant get em in the Lil Ray Dante Sav Benedict Option Healing Center wifout a big red swoll up VAGINA or two neither. Lil Ray know even peoples depress in they deep dark woods still get it up for a Healing Center Hooting Gal an a big red swoll up vagina. No one ever say Lil Ray be dumb, no maam. He know where the butter hit the bread.

Alright you come back to Mama Baby Raccoon. I done wif this now. Thats my Baby.  

Jan. 18, 2015

observing crazy people wrote:
I don't know who posts all this stupid stuff that's supposed to be funny, but I will say in my dealings with Rod Dreher, i understand why he was bullied growing up. He's a whinny, spoiled brat who bitches and moans to anyone who will listen about everything under the sun. He ought to just move back to wherever he ran when Starhill became too hard for him. What a wuss!
Here you go. Look how happy Lil Ray be up there in Whichamacallit now drinking beer wif young blond fatty Jennifer

Even Lil Ray need him a reglar overnight convention get a way to recharge he juices if an you know what I mean. So he can be "making Christianity weird again" back home in Lil Rayville for all you folks

Lil Ray Dante Sav Benedict Option Healing Center oughta do it. Make Lil Rayville ground zero a weird.

What you think peoples think a Lil Rayville once they get a load a they famous son Lil Ray? Young blond fatty Jennifer prolly think you peoples jus like her boy there. Happy peoples she think, ain't that right Baby Raccoon. But don't seem to comb they hair much. Or always jus gettin up fom they afternoon nap. Maybe thats it. Happy snoozin peoples wif crazy hair.

Jan. ??, 2015

So which a you fine folks be goin to the Lil Ray Johnny Walker Percy Drinking & New Roads Hot Tails Eating Festival June 5-7 benefittin whoever be collectin the money? Mistah Raccoon partial to them srimps an crawfishes, say we might oughta head on back downstream an check it out if an we got time.

Ever since Lil Ray done adopted hisself as the national mascot a them Duck Boys an made it like they all be tight together I wernt be surprise if they don't show up at he festival in they beards an hep him pitch he Lil Ray Dante Sav Benedict Option Healing Center there in you beautiful an functional new liberry.

Somebody tell fatty goatee man he bes get wif the Lil Ray Dante Duck program too if an he know where he future lie. Start wearin a Duck cap an carryin a Dante book aroun like he know what what. Get a leg up on he competition. Lil Ray be makin Duck cap wearin while Dante book readin the next big thing you know. Bet lil goatee man competition ain't got a clue. Run right around em.

An you know what? You Lil Ray Johnny Walker Percy Drinking & New Roads Hot Tails Eating Festival finely make a light go off in my head about how you fix all you troubles in Lil Rayville.

Rental town.

You half way there in bits an pieces, rentin out this piece an that piece for this festival an that, half a time jus givin stuff away for free like you fine Parker Park an them variances. Time to go whole hog. Rent the whole thing, complete wif happy smilin wavin town folks. Tell peoples they get the bes price when they rent the whole shebang. Maybe give em discount on Wednesday when ever body draggin.

No more foolin aroun wif nucular plants an himalayan restaurants an weird stuff. Rental town. Whole shebang. An wif a bran new Lil Ray Dante Sav Benedict Option Healing Center to boot.

In a mean time tell you barber be keepin he sweepins when Lil Ray come in an get he hair cut. Tie em ip wif a lil bow. Sell em as relics when peoples come on down for you Lil Ray Johnny Walker Percy Drinking & New Roads Hot Tails Eating Festival June 5-7. Crazy Lil Ray hair relic. Heal em right up.

Ain't that right Baby Raccoon. Pretty lil bit a ribbon jus like you got there. Pretty Baby. 

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